I Am Who I Am

This is me. There's no one else on earth I would rather be!

There is a saying that I heard a lot while I was growing up, and it goes...‘the world would be a very boring place if we were all the same’. How true! Sometimes we all wish we were a little bit more this and a little less that, and it is completely normal to feel that way sometimes. However, some people struggle to accept who they are more than others, and I am not ashamed to admit that I was one of them.

For as long as I can remember I have been shy. I find it difficult to make new friends, I am terrible at small talk, I dread standing up in front of people and I am a bit of a loner. It became more of a “problem” when I started primary school when I had to start talking in front of others in class and so on.

But then something happened that made everything a great deal harder; I started secondary school! By this time the other pupils had become a lot more judgemental, and so being shy didn't just feel like my personality, it felt like a punishment. I can honestly say that secondary school was the worst time of my life. I would NOT go through that again even if you offered to pay me.

Being shy made me feel like I was the odd one out all the time; like there was something wrong me. I was always wishing that I could be more like the outgoing pupils who could talk to anyone without having to psyche themselves up first.

I vividly recall a day in my first year when I had to stand up in front of the whole class and read an essay I had written on a subject we were asked to choose ourselves. My chosen subject was euthanasia! I still to this day have no idea why I chose that very sensitive, emotional subject of all things.

So I stood up in front of the whole class and proceeded to read my essay aloud. I tried not to look at anyone and instead fixed my eyes on the words on the paper in my hands. But I could still feel every pair of eyes examining me. Horrible!

Then something typical happened; I started to cry. I couldn't compose myself and so the teacher’s assistant had to take me outside and calm me down. When I did go back into the class, feeling embarrassed beyond belief, the teacher (who was very scary by the way) was talking to class about how getting emotional in front of other people wasn't a bad thing and that actually it meant that I was comfortable with my emotions, or some blarney like that. Well bursting out crying in front of an audience has happened to me on more than one occasion I can tell you.

Being shy is how I am, and even though I am less so now, it will always be a part of me. There is nothing I can do about it, and nor should I want to. There are still moments in my life which are made ten times harder because of my shyness, and I think to myself, ‘why can't I be like so and so?’ But like the song says ‘I am who I am, and who I am needs no excuses’.

Sometimes I say awkward things at the most inappropriate moments, and I will back that statement up with an example. A very recent example, of which I have many.

As some of you may have read in my previous post, I have recently got myself a new job and I started on Monday, 20th February. On my second day I was invited to my first team meeting. Imagine about ten people sat around a big desk with the team leader at one end explaining the “fun” exercise she has planned so we can get to know each other. At this moment I’m looking around at everyone thinking ‘Someone please see the fear on my face and save me!’

Then when she had finished explaining the torturous exercise I chime in ‘that doesn't sound fun at all’. What an idiot I am! I felt terrible immediately. When I say inappropriate things like that they always sound different in my head. But I must remember that not everyone lives there. Everyone did burst out laughing (phew!) but I could tell that the team leader was a little annoyed that I wasn't as excited as she was. I apologised later and tried to explain myself, but I think I may have ruined my first impression. Yep! I definitely have. But hey! We live, we learn.

As I am a shy person those sort of exercises fill me dread and are never fun for me. If I ever hear the words ‘let’s go around the table and...’, I sink down in my seat and pray they forget about me.

I know that sometimes I don't make a very good first impression. I'm shy and awkward. I moan a lot more than I should and smile less than I should. But I also know that there is a lot more to me once you get to know me. I have achieved more than I thought I would and I’m proud of myself.

Now that I am older and a tiny bit wiser, I have realised that it's important to be yourself. If people don’t like who you are or are judging you before they’ve got to know you, then they’re not worth it.

Here are some key things to remember to help you be yourself and live a happier life:

• Forgive yourself for past mistakes and learn from them
• Relax. Learn to laugh at yourself
• Don’t compare yourself to others
• Don’t spend your whole life criticising others
• Be honest and acknowledge your imperfections
• Stop caring about what other people think about you
• Realise you can't please everyone
• Treat others as you want to be treated
• Accept that you will have bad days
• Look to others for inspiration
• Stand up for yourself and others

My Progress

My last day at Citizens Advice was extremely sad. I went out the door bawling my eyes out not even able to say goodbye through streams of tears. I knew I wouldn’t make it. I will miss everyone there so much. They have all been like family and have been there through some good and very bad times.

I was given a couple of lovely presents from colleagues, along with a card that everyone had signed and a voucher from everyone, which I have used to buy new clothes and shoes for my new job. So thank you very much guys! I will NEVER EVER forget you and will visit whenever I can. I promise.

Signed card from my all my friends at Citizens Advice.

I was extremely nervous on my first day at the new job, but my colleagues are all so lovely, welcoming and helpful. The office is huge and everything is quite swanky (do people still say that word?). I can listen to music at my desk and have a walk around Nottingham on my lunch break. Every Friday is dress down day, which I had forgotten about, and so I was very much the odd one out on that day. Although I was pleased to hear that I wasn’t the first person to have done this.

Obviously I am still getting used to my role, but the team is great and I am sure I will feel at home in no time.  

On another note I have now decided to write my first novel. It is something I know I will do some day, so I might as well start now, right? Basically I just love writing. It gives me a lot of satisfaction. However, I am under no illusions that I am going to the next biggest author, but I can try and learn, and maybe one day I can publish a novel.

So I am just going to start writing and see where it goes...

If anyone has tips for me I would love to hear them. Leave your comments below or message me on Twitter @GetUpandGoForIt.

Remember: ‘Be yourself; everyone else is already taken’ - Oscar Wilde

Next week's post: A Review on Taboo

Running to the top

I remember a time quite a few years ago when I was a teenager, and having the idea that I would take up running in order to lose some weight and get fit. Of course there's nothing wrong with that idea at all. What I didn't appreciate, however, was how hard a first time running experience can be.

My plan was that I would get up early every morning and go for a run. Before I knew it I would look like one of those athletes you see on TV with a six pack. I imagined myself running up hills and through the woods, and not stopping until I'd ran at least 5 miles. I would be unstoppable. 

Of course my motivation for this new venture was entirely vein. I didn't care about getting fit and being healthy. I wanted to be slim. I wanted to look good. I wanted people to be jealous.

That night, as planned, I set my alarm for 6.00am the following day. My logic was that if it was dark I would be less likely to be seen. I was a lot more self-conscious as a teenager. Now, if anyone laughs or stares at me whilst I'm running, it just motivates me even more. It really doesn't bother me.

So I got up and started jogging alone in the darkness, having decided that I would just run around the block and go from there. 

How wrong I was to think it would be easy. I didn't even get to the end of the street before I was gasping for air and wishing I'd stayed in bed. 

I managed to make it most of the way round, which wasn't far at all, and stopped to catch my breath by sitting on a wall. Suddenly a car stopped, and the guy driving asked if I was OK. Apparently I was in such a state from my run that a man had to actually stop his car to make sure I wasn't dying. I was completely embarrassed. My hopes of not being spotted had failed. I had been seen! I replied that I was fine whilst I tried not to throw up.

That was definitely a lesson learned. But unfortunately it put me off and I didn't even think about doing it again. I decided that running wasn't my thing.

Then, in early 2015, I thought it would be a good idea to raise money for Cancer Research by running the Ikano Robin Hood Half Marathon. I could raise money for a good cause, and get fit at the same time. 

Most of my training was at the gym. I went four or five times a week and ran on the treadmill nonstop. I would also go to my local park and run laps until I was exhausted. I hoped it would be enough. 

Before I knew it, September was upon me and I was standing amongst all the others runners. I was about to run 13 miles, and I even started to wonder whether I'd actually be able to do it. 

Me waiting for the run to start

Then the claxon sounded, and we all set off slowly. Predictably, people started to pass me, and more and more people passed until finally I was running on my own. I felt deflated.

But I quickly realised that it didn't matter how fast I was going. It mattered that I was there and I was trying, and that if I was to succeed I needed to pace myself. 

So I ran at my own speed, and was motivated onwards by all the cheers from the crowd. People were even calling out my name which was in big white letters across the front of my T-shirt. It felt great. 

The last few miles were a struggle. At about mile 10 I stopped for a quick breather, but when I went to set off again, my legs just didn't feel like my own legs. I struggled to get going, but I managed it. Well you live and you learn, as they say.

Before I knew it I could see the finish line. My name was called out as I approached it, and I immediately collapsed onto the floor in relief. I had done it!

Showing off my medal after the run

Close up of my medal

I raised money for Cancer Research, and at the same time had achieved something amazing. Something I thought would have been impossible. 

Unfortunately I didn't keep it up. But it's been well over a year now and I am proud to say that, once again, I am running with pride.

A couple of weeks before Christmas I went out for my first run just around the block. Again, I couldn't get to the end of street without stopping. I was exhausted. That night I was coughing and wheezing for hours. So I went to the doctor and got an inhaler. Problem solved. Nothing is going to stop me!

It's coming up to two months now and I go running at least three times a week, which I plan on increasing bit by bit. I have spent most Thursday nights out running with a group called Fit to Run. They're a great bunch of people. Running with others keep you motivated when otherwise you might just give up. I really look forward to Thursdays now.

Just yesterday I completed my first Parkrun, which took me 37 minutes. Not a terrible time for a beginner. 

Whenever I feel down about how my running is going, I just think back at my first time and realise how far I've come. Each time I go out I get better and better. I can see the results both physically and mentally, and nothing else makes me feel this way.

I know some people reading this might think that running is not for them, and that may be so. But I thought that once, and now there's no looking back. Running makes me feel great. Running gets you out into the world, and best of all, it's free!

A couple of my goals for 2017 is to run another half marathon, and to complete Parkrun in under 30 minutes. So I'll keep you updated as I progress. 

This week's task

I am going to tell you about an exercise which I used to help me prepare for my job interview. It's called visualisation. 

If you really want something to happen, such as having the best interview ever and getting the job, then you have to imagine yourself doing just that.

1. Think about what it is you want. Close your eyes and picture every detail. Imagine yourself walking into the office and having the best interview ever, imagine their expressions as they get more and more impressed with your answers, and imagine them shaking your hand and offering you the job. 

2. Think positively. Remember the phrase 'If you don't think it will happen, it won't'. Think of the glass as half-full and seize every opportunity. 

3. Right before you're about to perform the task, activity or event, focus clearly on what you're about to do. Picture yourself shaking their hands, being calm and confident with each answer you give, and making them laugh. 

4. Visualisation is a form of meditation, only more active and vivid. It only works when you are calm and at ease, so turn off your phone and make yourself comfortable. The less distractions there are, the better. 

5. It's not enough to just imagine yourself getting the job. You need to think about how you're going to answer their questions, what you're going to say if you are unsure how to answer a certain question, how you're going to present yourself, and so on. 

6. Use affirmations such as 'I present myself as a confident and positive person. I always leave people wanting to work with me. I have all the skills I need to get the job'. 

Most importantly you have to believe in yourself! 

My progress

Having decided that I wanted to do some volunteer work, I had been asked to attend an interview at Mansfield Library. So about a month ago I went to the interview, which went very well, and now I have been asked to go for an induction on Saturday 25th February. 

At the interview we talked about how I would be able to help out, due to only being available at weekends, and it was agreed that I would help set up the children's activities. 

It's not quite what I had in mind, but actually now that I've had time to think about it, I am looking forward to it. I've never worked with children before so it will be good to do something different. It will definitely be a step outside my comfort zone.

Plus, volunteering is all about taking time out of my own day to help others, and so I should stop thinking about what I want out of it, and be happy to help. Which I am. Very. 

So as you also know I've been running regularly to try and keep fit, and it's going very well. I just can't wait for spring to arrive so I can run whilst it's still daylight outside. 

It's also important to have a good diet as well. I've been eating three meals a day, which I wasn't doing before. It's so easy to skip breakfast when you're busy, and have a couple of biscuits when you get to work. But eating regular meals keeps your metabolism going, and so it's actually better to eat regularly as opposed to skipping meals, if you're trying trying to lose weight. 

I've stopped snacking in between meals and after dinner. So no chocolate bars or sweets for me at the moment. You should remember to treat yourself every now and then. A good diet should contain a bit of everything.

Since starting my new healthy lifestyle I have lost 24 pounds. I have gone from 11"11 to 10"1. I can fit in trousers I couldn't even zip up before, so I must be doing something right. 

Another task that I have given myself will hopefully give me some more material for my blog. I have been browsing the internet trying to find some small companies that sell running/exercise accessories, and I will be contacting different companies on a weekly basis. My goal is to try and persuade some of them to provide me with products that I can test out during my running sessions, and review them on my blog. They can only say no, right? I plan to send out my first lot of emails within the next couple of days. I'll let you know if I get any positive responses. Fingers crossed. 

Finally I am happy to announce that I have been offered a new job within a company in the centre of Nottingham, and I have accepted. 

I decided some months ago that I needed a new challenge, and there was no reason why I couldn't have a look around the job market and see if something took my fancy.

So I applied for a couple and before I knew it I was preparing for my first, and only, interview. It must have paid off because I was told that it was obvious I had done my research, and my experience was a good fit for the role.

It's always nerve wracking when doing something outside your comfort zone. It can be so easy to give up, and then convince yourself that it was the right thing to do. But this time I wasn't giving up. 

I watched videos on YouTube, I looked on the company website, I researched common interview questions, I prepared my answers and I even practiced them with my boyfriend who pretended to be the interviewer. 

Of course I'm sad to be leaving my current workplace. It was first 'proper' job and I have gained loads of experience and two NVQs whilst being there. I have made friends who are more like family after six and a half years. But there comes a time when you find yourself yearning for a new adventure. It's scary but I can't keep making excuses and putting things off. I said I was going to do something, and I did it! That's progress.

Next week's post: A short story by Kirsty. 

Remember: If you do what you always did, you will get what you always got.