I Am Who I Am

This is me. There's no one else on earth I would rather be!

There is a saying that I heard a lot while I was growing up, and it goes...‘the world would be a very boring place if we were all the same’. How true! Sometimes we all wish we were a little bit more this and a little less that, and it is completely normal to feel that way sometimes. However, some people struggle to accept who they are more than others, and I am not ashamed to admit that I was one of them.

For as long as I can remember I have been shy. I find it difficult to make new friends, I am terrible at small talk, I dread standing up in front of people and I am a bit of a loner. It became more of a “problem” when I started primary school when I had to start talking in front of others in class and so on.

But then something happened that made everything a great deal harder; I started secondary school! By this time the other pupils had become a lot more judgemental, and so being shy didn't just feel like my personality, it felt like a punishment. I can honestly say that secondary school was the worst time of my life. I would NOT go through that again even if you offered to pay me.

Being shy made me feel like I was the odd one out all the time; like there was something wrong me. I was always wishing that I could be more like the outgoing pupils who could talk to anyone without having to psyche themselves up first.

I vividly recall a day in my first year when I had to stand up in front of the whole class and read an essay I had written on a subject we were asked to choose ourselves. My chosen subject was euthanasia! I still to this day have no idea why I chose that very sensitive, emotional subject of all things.

So I stood up in front of the whole class and proceeded to read my essay aloud. I tried not to look at anyone and instead fixed my eyes on the words on the paper in my hands. But I could still feel every pair of eyes examining me. Horrible!

Then something typical happened; I started to cry. I couldn't compose myself and so the teacher’s assistant had to take me outside and calm me down. When I did go back into the class, feeling embarrassed beyond belief, the teacher (who was very scary by the way) was talking to class about how getting emotional in front of other people wasn't a bad thing and that actually it meant that I was comfortable with my emotions, or some blarney like that. Well bursting out crying in front of an audience has happened to me on more than one occasion I can tell you.

Being shy is how I am, and even though I am less so now, it will always be a part of me. There is nothing I can do about it, and nor should I want to. There are still moments in my life which are made ten times harder because of my shyness, and I think to myself, ‘why can't I be like so and so?’ But like the song says ‘I am who I am, and who I am needs no excuses’.

Sometimes I say awkward things at the most inappropriate moments, and I will back that statement up with an example. A very recent example, of which I have many.

As some of you may have read in my previous post, I have recently got myself a new job and I started on Monday, 20th February. On my second day I was invited to my first team meeting. Imagine about ten people sat around a big desk with the team leader at one end explaining the “fun” exercise she has planned so we can get to know each other. At this moment I’m looking around at everyone thinking ‘Someone please see the fear on my face and save me!’

Then when she had finished explaining the torturous exercise I chime in ‘that doesn't sound fun at all’. What an idiot I am! I felt terrible immediately. When I say inappropriate things like that they always sound different in my head. But I must remember that not everyone lives there. Everyone did burst out laughing (phew!) but I could tell that the team leader was a little annoyed that I wasn't as excited as she was. I apologised later and tried to explain myself, but I think I may have ruined my first impression. Yep! I definitely have. But hey! We live, we learn.

As I am a shy person those sort of exercises fill me dread and are never fun for me. If I ever hear the words ‘let’s go around the table and...’, I sink down in my seat and pray they forget about me.

I know that sometimes I don't make a very good first impression. I'm shy and awkward. I moan a lot more than I should and smile less than I should. But I also know that there is a lot more to me once you get to know me. I have achieved more than I thought I would and I’m proud of myself.

Now that I am older and a tiny bit wiser, I have realised that it's important to be yourself. If people don’t like who you are or are judging you before they’ve got to know you, then they’re not worth it.

Here are some key things to remember to help you be yourself and live a happier life:

• Forgive yourself for past mistakes and learn from them
• Relax. Learn to laugh at yourself
• Don’t compare yourself to others
• Don’t spend your whole life criticising others
• Be honest and acknowledge your imperfections
• Stop caring about what other people think about you
• Realise you can't please everyone
• Treat others as you want to be treated
• Accept that you will have bad days
• Look to others for inspiration
• Stand up for yourself and others

My Progress

My last day at Citizens Advice was extremely sad. I went out the door bawling my eyes out not even able to say goodbye through streams of tears. I knew I wouldn’t make it. I will miss everyone there so much. They have all been like family and have been there through some good and very bad times.

I was given a couple of lovely presents from colleagues, along with a card that everyone had signed and a voucher from everyone, which I have used to buy new clothes and shoes for my new job. So thank you very much guys! I will NEVER EVER forget you and will visit whenever I can. I promise.

Signed card from my all my friends at Citizens Advice.

I was extremely nervous on my first day at the new job, but my colleagues are all so lovely, welcoming and helpful. The office is huge and everything is quite swanky (do people still say that word?). I can listen to music at my desk and have a walk around Nottingham on my lunch break. Every Friday is dress down day, which I had forgotten about, and so I was very much the odd one out on that day. Although I was pleased to hear that I wasn’t the first person to have done this.

Obviously I am still getting used to my role, but the team is great and I am sure I will feel at home in no time.  

On another note I have now decided to write my first novel. It is something I know I will do some day, so I might as well start now, right? Basically I just love writing. It gives me a lot of satisfaction. However, I am under no illusions that I am going to the next biggest author, but I can try and learn, and maybe one day I can publish a novel.

So I am just going to start writing and see where it goes...

If anyone has tips for me I would love to hear them. Leave your comments below or message me on Twitter @GetUpandGoForIt.

Remember: ‘Be yourself; everyone else is already taken’ - Oscar Wilde

Next week's post: A Review on Taboo